allmylovin's Xanga

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Sat, 03 Jun 2006 00:05:03 GMT

I graduated a while ago!
Kim came to visit me for a few days. :)
I'm listening to Younha right now. Not bad. Supposedly she's Korean, even though she sings Japanese?
I'm leaving for Hong Kong on Thursday.
I bought the most adorable skirt at luxe apothetique. It has a petticoat! I love full skirts.
I'm going to visit my brother tomorrow in Dallas for the weekend.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Thu, 18 May 2006 01:59:20 GMT

Something tramples on my conscience.
I'm always the one who lets it in, of course. It's my own mistake.
I should learn from it and keep my mouth shut to aim for sainthood, but for now I only feel guilt. Even if it was just a small thing as causing discomfort out of my own discomfort.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Tue, 16 May 2006 00:57:25 GMT

When you're feeling semi-worthless, find someone who loves you.

"You think you're not worth anything? Well you're the only one who decides your worth. No one can say anyone else is worthless but themselves. And what defines worth anyway? It's definitely not achievement, and if it was, then you'd be worth a million bucks. "

Life could be more beautiful if you just opened your eyes.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Fri, 12 May 2006 19:15:22 GMT

Something feels urgent.
All day I worked under this pretense.
Even as summer looms, I felt as if something else was pushing me on. As if something inside me urged, "Hurry and do this. Hurry and flood it all on the canvas." As if there was some urgent need for me to pour my heart, all of it. To spill it and drown it in the picture, so that I alone could read it and see myself reflected back in those colors and and those lines. So that when I was through, and broke out of this hypnotic trance that you can only find when you have entered your own world, I would be able to step back and see only myself on the canvas. We leave our bodies and senses behind in that trance: we abandon everything in this world to step inside our hearts. But we step in it blind, and dip our brushes in the source of everything. We let our hearts paint for us: that's the secret. That's the source of everything.
I was hoping to find myself. I was hoping that I could trick my heart into telling me what I'm missing, what I can't get past. What I need.
And something inside was crying out: "You can't stop until you've finished!"
So I went on for three hours,
but I still haven't finished.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Wed, 10 May 2006 23:27:05 GMT

Let's just be dreamers again. ?_?

But I know I would regret it.
It's so hard to tell the difference between
what is real and
what is not.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Mon, 08 May 2006 21:12:11 GMT

I'm in the mood to laugh. I want to watch a funny movie. I want the sky to glow bright, bright, cerulean blue and I want to sit in the park on soft green grass fingering the fringes of a picnic blanket under my feet.
I want exams to be over. I want summer to zoom forward. I want the next few weeks to fly. I want to be beautiful because smiles come quick and easy. I want sunshine.
I want flowers in my bathroom, and a complete work of art to finish off the year. I want my goodbyes to be happy. I want my hellos to be happier. I never want to say goodbye.
I don't want the times to creep up on me anymore. I want to jump in the air and laugh and tumble in the grass. I want to watch the clouds drift through my fingers and shade my eyes from the sun. I want to listen to the canopies tossing the wind in its leaves and throwing back the breeze.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Sat, 06 May 2006 00:52:52 GMT

To you, in the gloaming:

I have never written you a letter in here before. To me you were never as urgent as my eskimo friend, perhaps because you were never as unpredictable. But you were a sturdy pillar of support, and we were loosely a trio, the three of us, even if you stood a little further apart. I learned never to give so much of my heart away and let that person fill up half of mine when the schism affected me deeply: you affirmed that for me. So for us, our friendship isn't as interlaced and connected as mine with Geoffrey, but I know you care so much. Just as I see you as a big sister, the kind I always wanted out of Sarah and was sometimes disappointed, you filled in the empty role. And I know you care all the more, and now I will be writing my poetic prose about you, perhaps, letting your words fill my head as I ponder your advice. Every part of my heart I divulge in packets of secrets and smiles--so small and quaint you could tuck it in your pocket--if you ever found them in my paintings. But I let you in on the whispers, and the closed mouths or the tumbling mouths, because it has become so natural.

The both of us miss him, don't we? The day started out so well, and it faded with a choke. I'm lying. He's lying. I was always honest. He's not here anymore, but we are friends as ever, and the hurt is gone, but I miss him right now. Maybe you will find him in an alleyway you pass, like a tossed stuffed animal wet with rain by a dumpster. And you don't recognize it at first: the color is faded and the skin is worn; it's grimy with mud. But there's something there you recognize, and he's waiting for you to recognize it, but he will never be clean of all that grime because you're afraid to touch it.
So you pass, and you think, perhaps you were dreaming. That wasn't your old friend. That was something else.

Thank you for letting me inspire your dreams. Thank you for your concern.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Tue, 02 May 2006 20:15:58 GMT

Ugh I wasted an hour on the phone!
Drama needs to die.
And so does... me feeling a gnawing sense of disloyalty.
Saying no to friends is hard for me.
But in the end, it's for my own good, right....? That's what my parents say. That's what I've been taught. That's what _____ taught me. That I should say No, for my own good, so that people don't take advantage of me. Because Ronald says I'm a carpet.

Even if I haven't been trod on, I feel like a big letdown.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Sat, 29 Apr 2006 22:03:59 GMT

I wonder when my brother is coming home...?
I did surgery on my hair.
My bangs were getting too thick, haha.
I love the breeze outside today. My balcony door has been open ever since I woke up this morning, and the wind rips through the canopies and through this room. Everything flutters about as if I were sitting outside.

I should study for APs. I think I'll review some European History >_<. I can't believe laziness struck me the weekend right before. I was pondering, actually, what I have to do outside study for, and it comes down to Government and Euro. I think for the other APs, I'll be fine what with what I've done in class.

I miss Simba quite a bit.
I need a book to read: that's why I'm so lazy. I think I'll re-read everything again.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Sun, 23 Apr 2006 20:45:55 GMT

My eyes are tired: they get dry so easily these days. I think it's just been a while since I really talked to anyone. I guess over spring break, when I decided to quit aim, I haven't talked to Kim or Karen or Alfred much since then. or even Charlie! That kind of makes me sad, but I'm not going back on.

I need APs to be over, and
I need to be on a plane to Hong Kong.
I need to study for APs and to call USC about orientation and registration and tuition.
I need for this panic in my chest to dissipate.
I need to let go of earthbound pettiness.
I need to be a robot:
a robot who just churns away and completes what she needs to do.
a robot who just exists and does nothing more and nothing less.
a robot armed with norton anti-virus,
so she doesn't get screwed in the head and believe things that aren't true, or want things that can't happen.